I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
