I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
