Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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