So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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