I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Found the puke drawer
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
