stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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