she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
