I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
