I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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