tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
