The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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