I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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