I'm really into asian looking animals
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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