note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
