dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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