From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
