So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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