he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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