Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
