mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
honey bunches of taint.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize