The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
