i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
