I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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