So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
