dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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