you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
