I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
