I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
