i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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