Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
