Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am available for nakedness
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
