whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
