Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
