I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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