Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
