you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
