She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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