my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He shit in the fireplace
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
