I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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