this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
