my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
