I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
