Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
