Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I will be naked everywhere
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
