dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
