Is it because I queefed?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
