People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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