just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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