i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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