At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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