Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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