come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
