I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
