Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
