Cold hands, warm shart.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize