Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize