so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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