There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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