my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
