We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
