oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
