She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
