Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
only you would photoshop your dick
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
