some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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