she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
