i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
