I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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