Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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