someone get that fucking seahorse.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
