I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
